How “Russian hackers” hacked into your brain

What do we, as Russians, think about our infamous “Russian hackers”?

Let’s start with the man at the top. Our beloved president is in absolutely no doubt about the identity of these hackers. At his annual press conference last week, replying to a question on the US election hacking allegations, he said: “The Democratic party and the US administration are trying to chalk their own failures up to external factors. They lost everywhere, and are looking to offload the blame.  It’s not very dignified.”

Such a great word that, “dignified.”

Putin went on to say that he agreed with Donald Trump’s suggestion that the hacker could be an (overweight) individual sitting on their bed. “The president-elect was absolutely right to note that nobody knows who these hackers are. Maybe they were in a different country, and not in Russia. Maybe it was just someone sitting on their sofa or bed. It’s very easy now to show one origin country, when you’re actually in a different place.”

Make of that what you will.

If If the shadowy “Russian hackers” could assemble an effective (i.e. expensive) legal team and go to law in Britain and the US, I am sure that a handful of well-known Western TV stations and half a dozen newspapers and magazines would go belly up. But since the term “Russian hackers” refers to a caricature of an evil alien phenomenon, the basic principles of civil justice, namely the presumption of innocence, do not apply.

No names have been released or hard evidence presented in public demonstrating that the attacks originated in Russia or were sanctioned by the Russian authorities. Nor is any such information likely to surface for at least a couple of decades. Maybe in a hundred years’ time, when the archives of the Russian secret services are finally opened, those of us still alive will learn that, yes, that’s what really happened (or maybe not).

No, there is no presumption of innocence. Russian hackers attacked the Pentagon and the CIA, broke into Hillary Clinton’s email account and derailed her presidential bid. There is no doubt. Since these articles and opinion pieces eschew all notion of “allegedly,” the impression gained is that Russian hackers (and by extension Vladimir Putin) really are the most powerful people on the planet. With the click of a mouse, they can choose the leader of the free world.

Contemporary social philosophy speaks of self-fulfilling prophecies. If everyone believes in something, it’s true, regardless of the truth itself. People’s actions and behaviour make it reality.

Everyone believes in the Russian hackers. They are trumpeted by leading media on both sides of the Atlantic. The New Yorker has devoted cartoon space to them. Obama, White House sources gushingly inform us, is pondering revenge. US generals behind closed doors are butting horns over what to do about it.

They’ll all have egg on their collective face if it turns out that Russian hackers had nothing to do with it. Some whizz-kid, say, breaks into Hillary’s email and uploads everything to WikiLeaks. The Kremlin holds an emergency meeting: the whole world thinks it’s us. What should we do? Nothing. Let’s keep shtum and enjoy the notoriety.

An economically diminished, post-imperial regional oil power, which the West tried to browbeat with sanctions, all of a sudden has the world in a flutter, prompting endless handwringing about the “Russian” candidate Donald Trump.

The situation is both paradoxical and idiotic. Just a few years ago Russian state propaganda was busy painting the liberal opposition as “foreign agents” bent on influencing the outcome of Russia’s elections in the interests of the US Department of State. Society largely swallowed the line.

But when we see exactly the same thing from the liberal mainstream media in the US and Britain, it’s comical. Guys, wake up! You might soon be getting a prize from the Kremlin for services to the Motherland.

You have turned a near-pariah country into a world-conquering evil genius. That’s right, you. I don’t know if these Russian hackers exist or not, but one thing that’s been hacked for sure is your brain.