“Senators, be brave!”

January 13, 2017

Open-Wall---May-2016

“Senators, be brave!”

It’s Friday the 13th, and we thought it might perhaps be safer not to publish anything, but now we have somebody else to mock – don’t worry, the Kremlin will always be first in our hearts – we just couldn’t stay silent…

The audience at the confirmation hearings in Washington

If you’re going out for an end-of-the-week drink with colleagues later today, of course some smartarse will start sounding off about Russia – that dossier, for certain (golden showers in Moscow, anyone…), maybe even those confirmation hearings in Washington. So you need something to say, right? You can’t prop up the bar repeating what you read in the Washington Post or the New York Times, you just need some impressive-sounding soundbites.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t get tickets to the Trump circus on Wednesday morning, but we did spend most of the week sitting in Washington trying to make sense of what was being said. And when you’ve read to the end of today’s words of wisdom, you’ll understand that what was being said in Washington doesn’t sound much like what was being said in White House North.

The Dossier 

We’ve read the report about what The Donald allegedly got up to in Moscow. And we only have one comment. Speaking off the record, you understand, they do have golden showers in the penthouse suite of the Ritz-Carlton. They also have golden taps, golden doorknobs, gold everywhere, which is why The Donald stayed there, because it reminds him of home…

Rex Tillerson

Mr Rex Wayne Tillerson

Sitting in on his confirmation hearing, we were a little disappointed that Rex Tillerson, angling to be Secretary of State, did not wear his Medal of Freedom, you remember, the one he was given by his friend in the Kremlin. Still, if you’re looking for takeaways from what he said, to impress your colleagues at the bar, he had plenty…

“[The Russian mindset is that] Russia is here, Russia matters, and Russia is a force to be dealt with.”

“The leadership of Russia has a plan, it is a geographic plan… to re-establish its role in the global world order.”

(We thought that one sounded a bit like a plan to take over the world).

 “We’re not likely to ever be friends [with Russia]” 

“There are friends, there are partners, and there are adversaries.”

“We need to move Russia from always being an adversary to sometimes being a partner”

(Partners in crime?).

“It’s important when designing sanctions that they are well crafted.”

(So Exxon-Mobil doesn’t lose any money…).

“America holds all the aces, we just need to pull them out of the deck.” 

It’s rather good that last one, isn’t it? Oh, and he spoke in a slow Texan drawl, which you’re going to have to get used to, if he gets the job.

Mike Pompeo

Representative Mike Pompeo

In his confirmation hearing to run the CIA (hard to imagine that anyone would want that job…), Representative Mike Pompeo didn’t seem quite so enamoured of Russia as his boss.

“I will continue to pursue foreign intelligence with vigour no matter where the facts lead.”

(Facts? Did somebody actually use the word “facts” in front of a camera?).

The CIA under his leadership, he said, would provide “accurate, timely, robust and clear-eyed analysis of Russian activities.”

We’re thinking that perhaps he didn’t clear this in advance with the Transition Team.

The President-elect

The President-elect

We are not going to say anything about that news conference that wasn’t said by the man himself.

“As far as hacking, I think it was Russia.”

(He also said something immediately after that about all sorts of other states hacking, but let’s stay focused on the facts…).

“If Putin likes Trump I consider that an asset not a liability.” 

“Russia will have much greater respect for our country when I’m leading it than when other people have led it.”

He also said somewhere, “Give me a break!” which seems about right.

Takeaway

You will no doubt be aware that at the Trump circus on Wednesday the lobby was packed with staffers who cheered every time the President-elect said something that required canned laughter. You might not be aware, however, that the same thing happened in Washington, where the front rows were packed with his supporters, who had dressed up for the occasion. You can see them in the photograph at the top of this column.

But of all the unbelievable things that were said this past week, there is one line that we can’t get out of our head. Every now and then, protesters interrupted the proceedings to shout, “Senators, be brave!” Then they were led away.